It was an honest mistake, in that I was speaking honestly and I thought the mic was off. Could have happened to anyone I suppose, but a shame it had to be me. I’ve been the only thing preventing the network’s ratings from total freefall.
To be fair, I did speak out against hiring that intern - what’s his name, Omar? Or maybe Amir? I told ‘em instead to interview Paul’s kid Ryan. Now there’s a young man with some nous! But inclusivity and all that jazz… Well and good until the damn kid can’t do his job and cut the line when he’s supposed to.
Whole crew knows to slow the teleprompter scroll down 20% when I’m on air. Took me years to land on a dulcet singsong that would hook viewers, but wily pauses always came naturally.
All by design I linger a split second too long before continuing and let their minds run wild. Is he taking the piss? Was that not an innuendo? Wait, he can’t possibly think that… but then the teleprompter kicks back in and I’m indistinguishable from Mr. Rogers. Well shit, that’s over now.
Took a lot of balls to get where I am today. Done as much for orphan visibility as Harry Fucking Potter. I started work in that Flatiron mail room at 12 years old. Bossman Jerry knew there was no way I was 16 like it said on the paperwork but he had the crooked smile of a guy who wasn’t afraid to tell a lie either.
I pilfered my first postcard the next year. Harmless curiosity while I taught myself how to read. Mailhandler’s duty tax. 90% of them were snoozefests. Mundane accounts of runny eggs at the hotel breakfast. Lamentations that the weather wasn’t cooperating. Couldn’t ever understand why they bothered with finding a stamp and a mailbox.
But every now and again, lightning struck. Jagged calligraphy confessing matters of the heart, or family secrets insinuated within the confines of a 4 x 6 rectangle. Who better than me to fill in the blanks?
Chuck, Nelson and I would leave the mail room at 9pm. One drink at Pixie’s, then one more. Lager in my bloodstream, postcard chronicles as my kindling, raconteur I became.